I never said I Felt Alone I said i'm Lonely

******LATE POST******

 

 SORRY my darlings I wasn't motivated to post so I didn't,  don't want to upload just anything....so with that being said Lets go, lets get it.

People just don't know the difference do they?? Heads up "being lonely is not being alone, its the feeling that no one understands nor value you. It's the feeling that no one will ever see how unique and awesome you are, the feeling that no one will every be scared to lose you. It's not oh I have no friends or family, it's when I open up my mouth and speak who will actually listen to me." 

Told my boyfriend that I felt lonely and he told me I need to get out of the house because I love to be by myself to much and of course I had to stop and correct him, firstly nigga I ain't alone because I have you, secondly, "I never said I felt alone bae I said I felt lonely" and thirdly, why be around people who will never understand my depth? Fuck that's wasting my worth if you ask me.

Imagine trying to help people but they just do not listen and then come back to you days later and say your right. Imagine you needing help/advise but you cant go to no one because they don't think the way you do so now you feel stuck. I guess most people who are REALLY different are mostly lonely huh?? They are the set who can understand everyone else but no one takes the time to understand them.

My Darlings if you feeling this way then take advantage of it!!! Trust me I know the downfall of being "lonely": the constant outgrowing people, the emptiness, the misunderstanding and misconception, the being strong for everyone but never receiving the same, the no one appreciating you and what you bring to the table and the always having to hold things in.  But darling hearts listen to me and listen good learn how to look at things from all angles and also go back to the saying that "everything has a negative and a positive side." Now the upside to being lonely: that simple fact that you know your different, that your a bad ass because "God will never give you anything you can't handle", that feeling you feel when someone comes in you life and you finally realize you have real company, that first breath of fresh air when you finally gain acceptance, that joy you have in your heart knowing that you are rare but you are not by yourself, that knowledge you have that most people really don't.


Look.

".....But the minute I feel like its gone, It comes back with more demons, Every time I look around I see more and more heathens, Shit some times I think if its better not breathing. Not because I hate myself, But because every time I turn around I see more and more bleeding, Back stabbers and the unreal. They say i'm mean but shit at least I speak how I feel, I mean sometimes its a joking thing but when I speak. YOU WILL FEEL!! They only watch my smile I promise you its way more to me, shit I keep telling you look beyond what the eyes could see....."


Learning YOU!!

"FUCK WHAT PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THE WAY YOU FEEL OR REACT TO A SITUATION RATHER IF ITS MINOR OR MAJOR......" soooo yh lets get it and let me start by stating something obvious but yet most don't acknowledge *ONLY YOU CAN WALK YOUR PATH, ONLY YOU KNOW YOU* a lot of times we say we lose ourselves but honestly we don't even know who we are, we live based on our up bringing n what we were taught the idea of what right is. 

 

In most cases it starts off with our parents or guardians raising us up on their beliefs' so we don't get to adventure deep within ourselves until we are at "legal age" which to me is bullshit because I was true to who I was from 

I was able to speak, but as life moved on my parents and I started bucking heads. They believe that they always knew whats best for me and that me "not listening" or trying to "explain my point" was a bad thing when in reality its not!

Just sit down and actually think of the things you like, your characteristics, things that appeal to you or spark your interest and be that person, think about the way you wanna live your life and do it. Of course its not simple, people are just saying it like its so easy right but trust the simple things you do can go a long way so quit your job and start a flower business, stick up your middle finger to who ever, stop to church and get on your knees and pray, skip around on the sidewalk if that makes you happy. Even if you feel a burst of emotion coming from no where, let it out and trust me the more you do what you want to do you will realize that its what you needed to do. Of course,your going to get negative response in some cases even from people who you expect to understand and accept you the most, but I am letting you know that it is quiet alright to say Fuck It and Fuck your opinion. I mean you don't necessarily have to say it in that manor but the principle of those statements are key.

Now lets branch off to say that from I was young I felt a certain way but because of my parents way of life  I was doing what pleased them, I was more involved and concerned but as I grew up I realized that I was farrrr from happy and farrrr from the person they wanted me too be, stuck in a place where it was either the true me or what they wanted me to believe. It took me 18 years to finally hear that the person I was hiding and the person my parents tried so hard for me to not become, was actually ME, the me that I didn't want to acknowledge: I  am crazy kml farrr from your ordinary, I live my life on the edge, I hate interacting with people, I cant work a 9-5, im naturally a nonchalant and closed in person and I cancel people out my life very quickly but its meeeeeeee. Understand that none of this is justifying that all parts of me are the correct way of life, of course I am going to do wrong, none of this is justifying that I am going to live by the rules or that every part of me is perfect and this is a big pill to swallow but you do realize that at the end of all this. Guess what? It still defines who I am! Honestly people have to learn to deal with it or leave and that my darlings goes for anyoneee, or in some cases you can adjust  to become a better person but to me there are very few occasions where this happen because very few people deserve it. 

We have to accept the fact that every single soul in this universe look, process and react to things in a different way, so why live for them?? Now this will lead to accepting emotions, honestly i'm working on it because I taught myself how to be numb from a lot of thing and this is why I wanted to write this tonight.  I was placed in a situation where within myself I knew I felt a certain emotion and I know I felt a certain way but I was worrying about two things:  how would others people react in a time like this and also how would they feel. Literally sitting there asking myself how to feel, should I cry, scream, smile, fight.... until it finally hit me, the emotion was right there I just didn't want to accept it so the feeling was denied, not until I analyzed things and noticed that no matter what I say, most persons still wont understand because only me and God know the emotions I've felt and what I really went through mentally. 

So my darlings listen to me carefully you need to accept yourself!!! Just like how you accepted other people in your life despite there flaws you should do the same with yourself. Just like how you try to understand people, you should learn to understand yourself because only you are looking out of your lens so why not produce your own movie.

 


"SOULMATE or SOULHATE" Does he/she have a good energy

 Now my darlings i'm in a healthy relationship but I surely do remember those days when I was caught up in some shit because I was dealing with the wrong one. Kml, even had a conversation with a demon sitting on my wall telling me he was trying to enter my body from the boy I was dealing with but, MY DARLINGS don't worry I'M HERE!!

"The chain, the chain" that's what he was saying to me, apparently its what stopped him for entering in me. I have a chain with a cross that I never was interested in taking off and I guess we all know why now. SEXUAL INTERCOURSE!! is when this soul tie really happens but they are other things you can look out for before going all the way. I mean lets face it what do you really expect; sex is a very intimate thing:

  • Looking back at it the night before having sex with him I couldn't speak as in...... my brain was running and I had things to say because the conversion was interesting but nothing was coming out, I assume it was a "anything you say can and will be used against you" moment and I didn't notice. 
  • Energy was off .... i'm going out on the limb to say that at some point of everyone's life they were in a awkward position and there energy shifted or in other terms "your spirit didn't take to the person". Of course if someone have a negative spirit their aura is going to be toxic or off and if your intertwined with your deeper self then you'll be able to pick up on it.
  • Most times when people have a negative spirit in them there features changes at some point of the interaction, it could either be a slight change or it can be so bad that they look like a completely different person or a alter ego; farrrr from themselves, I guess the thing within the toxic person is actually farrrrrr  from themselves as well right?? In my case his looks changed and eyes got red during foreplay, I noticed but it didn't registered to me that the reason was going to be so serious and eye opening. 

Just when I was saying FUCK LOVE I'M GOING TO DO WHATEVER I WANT TO DO life gave me a wake up call DIDN'T IT?? Now what I've learned is that **soul ties does not have to be toxic**  Soul ties are what we call "L.O.V.E", soul ties are that oh i'm talking like my baby or that energy you feel when you can sense that person is close by, soul ties are also that I like the same color or that thought you think to yourself when you was just about to do/say something but they do/say it the exact same time, positive soul ties are SOULMATE'S, they are that connection you feel when you see that one person. 

 


THIS MUTHAF***A

Here we goooooo..... Lemme take you back into the pass about 3 months into the relationship when I found out my ex was cheating so what did I do?? CHEAT DA FUCK BACK DUHHHH kml anyway TEA TIME. There was this boy who lived in my neighborhood who was **inlove** with me for yearssss we're going to call him... "DODO" so me and Dodo was talking in trails because I REALLLLLY wasn't on his wave length.

My ex lets call him...."ASSHOLE"  his friends and I use to meet up on Sundays to watch field events. Nothing to do so we might as well talk shit!  One Sunday on my way to the field I pass Dodo, keep in mind we ain't talk in a whileeeeeee, I wasn't trying to hang up to long because Asshole head wasn't no good ya feel me so a quick Hi and Bye type movement.

Mid week now and BANG!! found out Asshole was cheating n you wouldn't believe how I found out...... kml anywayyyyy (STORYTIME FOR ANOTHER DAY) now fast forward to Sunday and I really didn't want to be in the house, definitely wasn't going to be around Asshole so I was like I might as well get high and decided to message DODO, told him where to meet me. BING plan was setup.

NOWWWWWW!! here's when shit got real. I on the park in my neighborhood chilling and Asshole decides that he wanna pass my area to see what I was up to meanwhile me and Dodo on the bench getting high on our own shit n here comes Asshole. He pulled up on us hopped out the car and start to get on that hype shit n im like WHAT THE FUCK... WHAT TO DO?? WHAT TO DO?? Keep in mind Dodo live in the area so he have his homeboys watching and OH all 2 of them is d boyz if you know what i mean so shit was escalating reallllll quick.

BLAH BLAH BLAH I dealt with the situation before it got out of hand but HOLD UP.... WAIT A MINUTE its a 22 who the fuck that is in your front seat Mr. Asshole??
I swing open the door and to my surprise woman sitting up bold in passenger seat, the nerve of this dumb ass. I mean I JUSTTTTTT CATCH THIS NIGGA CHEATING and now he trying to cheek me when he on the sameeeeeeee shit anyway push comes to shove and he slide out because i started tripping out, went by Dodo house to cool off and you already know what happen. 

About 3 o'clock the next morning Asshole ring my line he drunk as all the fucks and on some dumb dumb dumb shit we had a back and fourth and the savage me came out so the conversation ended a little like this...." and I don't even know why you telling me this and by the way  I already fucking homeboy  so you nor the shit you saying matters to me at this point " click. (BOOOOM chip away his ego) 

Couple days pass we talked about everything moved on call it that now the new year roll around (2018) and I got a text saying someone might be pregnant for Asshole,now, I could believe it because he already have children but then again a lot of females was trying to trap him (I don't see why though kml SHADE) so it could of been a lie and on top of that we were going thru our lil probelms and on the verge of breaking up for good so I could of careless.

Relationship ended and a month passed, Asshole ain't hear from me and I went M.I.A because ladies we all know when men really see that we're moving on it is eat them aliveeeeee and that was my whole plan but during this time I strongly believe that he was sending my number to his non factor ass friends so they could spy on me. Obviously my  Houdini treat worked and he came looking for me and when we was catching up he confessed that he did have a next child and also that it ACTUALLY WAS FROM THE GIRL WHO HE CHEATED ON ME WITH and we ended up hooking up that same night.......and he is still in love with me.